One of my favorite piccies of her *huggles*

 

Kevin & my Kikyo *huggles*

 

My baby @ our old place on my computer desk. She so loved it up there! And she loved munching on the cactus flowershttp://magikjaz.zoto.com.crazy cat

 

And in case you were wonderinghttp://magikjaz.zoto.com.these are chinese bellflowers (kikyos)

 

Kevin will kill me for sharing this picice of him and the Kikyo (and his farmer's tan lol)

 

My baby laying on our bedhttp://magikjaz.zoto.com.Kevin's clothes are underneath her as usual lol

Just got a Ecard from Cindy *hugs*

Dearest Jazmyn:

All my thoughts are with you as you struggle on an hour to hour basis missing your little baby kitty. I cry just thinking about how much you loved her and how lucky she was to have you & Kevin in her life for the time while she was here. She will be forever in your hearts, thoughts, and dreams. She knew she was loved and love lives on - it does not die with you. She will carry the love with her until you meet again.

All my love,

Cindy

*wiping away tears* Thank you so much! Your support means the world to me. I was just outside putting a crystal cross that we got as a housewarming gift on her little gravesite.

Today I woke up and rolled over to check the time and there was a balled up black tshirt next to the bed. For a split second I thought it was the Kikyo and reached to pet her. I currently have her pic as my desktop so whenever I start thinking of her (which is often) ... this is gonna sound wierd.... I minimize everything so i can see her pretty little face and pet it. Yea I'm petting the computer screen. I'm a dork. It makes me feel better tho. I'm still getting used to not having her around. I have never been alone in this house and it's a little daunting. I can't believe I went years without a cat. Times I was living alone or just at home alone while Kevin was at work...I never felt alone. I do now. Thank the gods for my friends *huggles*

S-T-R-E-T-C-H !!!!

 

 

This is what I used to wake up to almost every morning lol

I told you I had a million of them...

 

LOL look at her tongue hangin out. She musta been licking her face when i took this one. *huggles kikyo*

This is one of my favorite Kikyo piccies ... right after Xmas with all my talking Neopets :D I miss her 

My Little Angel Kitty

 

May the gods and goddesses look after my kitty until we can be reunited once more.

Kikyo
April 2003 - Sept 2005

Connie sent me such a beautiful card today. In it she wrote:
Jazmyn,
I am so sorry you are going through this. I have watched this suffering myself, and I am so thankful that Kikyo had a warm loving home in her final days instead of a cold dumpster. You did the absolute best you could for her. Remember that through your gried. Her suffering was made lighter by having you and Kevin there to pat her, and give her a soft comfy bed, and good food to eat. Short as it was, her life was blessed because she found you.

Thank you Connie. I cried when I read it this morning and I'll probably cry a million more times when i come back to her blog and read it again.

I keep telling myself that. That was gave her love and a home and food when she had nothing. That we may have saved her life in the first place. That we have been living on borrowed time this whole 2 years. And definitely borrowed time this last 5 weeks.

I take solace in my beliefs. The beliefs I didn't even know were full formed in my head until having to deal with this. I want to think that fawN's message about pets greeting me in the afterlife are true, but then I think "how about if she's reincarnated" Even if you don't subscribe to animals coming back as people but as other animals, Someday she may be someone's else's pet. And maybe for longer. Maybe this life was some sort of karmic duty for her. Maybe the short 2 1/2 years she was here she finally learned her lesson and is now ready to move onto the afterlife and come back as a better animal. Maybe in living with us she repaid her karmic debt. (okay maybe I'm not so sure about my beliefs)

Part of me wants her to stick around here and jump on my bed and be a little kitty ghost... but I know that's strictly selfish cuz I want her to move on. To get to that better place. My mama, when she passed, came to me in a dream about a week after she died (on the same night my sister had a dream about her with the same exact message in it) Then I've not heard from her since. I still dream about her occassionally, but nothing like that night. Maybe Kikyo will come visit me in my dreams. Let me know that she knows we did all we could and that she loves us for it.

Last night Kevin said something that is eating away at my soul. He said "what if she remembers that when she was this bad before we took her and got her better. What if she's waiting for us to do it again and we can't" If i think about that my world will shatter. I have to believe that she knows we stole time and that she understands this time she has to leave us. i have to believe that because If I think for a minute she might be hoping we can save her again (and we can't) I'm lost.

I just went downstairs to see if she made it thru the night (she did) and she meowed at me as I was walking down the stairs. I pet her for awhileand talked to her and told her how much I love her. I looked into her eyes and all I saw was pleading. Asking me to end her pain. I know she's a fighter. I know she's trying to hold on for us. It's going to break my heart today when we take her in. But i know she's going to a better place. Whether it be kitty heaven, or waiting to be reincarnated, or people heaven waiting patiently to greet me when I get there, I know she's going to a better place. And I'm going to miss her so much but I have to take solace in that. And hope that she will always know how much we love her.

Dear Blog,
I'm so torn up inside I can't even control myself. I was in the basement watching TV and when I went upstairs to use the potty Kikyo was on the landing. I stopped and pet her and told her again how much I love her and after about 3 minutes she got this crazy look in her eyes like I was trying to hurt her and she backed away into the corner. I know it was her self defense cuz she's dying and she knows it, so i stopped petting her and backed away, tellin her the whole time I love her. I went back downstairs and was watching TV and after a couple minutes I notice her at the bottom of the staris staring at me. I pause the TV and say "hey precious!" and she gets up and turns and goes underneath the stairs using her secret hole. I know she was waiting for me to see her do it. And this is her final goodbye. That's where she went to die before (only we didn't know she was dying) Apparently she's much worse off than I thought and we shoulda took her to emergency tonight to put her down and ease her suffering. Part of me is hoping she makes it thru the night so we can take her in the AM and part of me is hoping she dies while I'm asleep so she ends her life at home. In the meantime, all of me is crying and wishing I was never put in this position to begin with.

I told Kevin tonight I think we should get a kitty soon. I think maybe it will help with the healing and the missing of the Kikyo. I also think if we think about it too much and wait too long we'll talk ourselves out of it and I don't want to.

Well today Kikyo's breathing idn't getting better...it's much much worse. She's breathing thru her mouth with her toungue hanging out. So tomorrow morning we're taking her to the vet to have her put to sleep. I'm so upset about this. I've been crying off and on for the past 3 days. Kevin tells me it's nothing I did and we tried our best (with the budget we had...even spending more than we should have) to heal her and make her comfortable. She's not comfortable anymore. It's a chore for her to breathe and she hasn't eaten in 3 days...even with the appetite stimulant pill I've been giving her. We ran out of the steroid yesterday and were gonna get it refilled tomorrow, but now there's no point. We still have 1/2 a bottle of Lasix that we don't need now. Somthing in the neighborhood of 20 pills.

It's breaking my heart, but I look into her eyes and she's ready to go. She's been trying to hang on for us and I love her for it. I just hold in my heart what fawN told me about the pets in the afterlife. That they're the first to greet you when you cross over and they're so excited & happy to see you that they delay you in getting to see the people waiting to greet you. That makes me happy. That when I cross over I'll get to see my precious Kikyo in all her obnoxious splendour and love her all over again. *wipes away tears* I'm really gonna miss her and all her quirky ways I've gotten so used to over the years. I keep telling her today that I love her. I hope she understands me. I hope we kept her happy and loved her and she loved us. I hope she knows that we love her.

 

That actually worked pretty well! So before I head off to sleepyland here's another piccy of my precious kitty (i have a billion more lol)

My Kikyo Kitty

 

Using a new toy @ zoto.com to see if I like it. You get 2gigs of storage space for photos. We'll see. In the meantime, here's a piccie of my Kikyo from January 2005

Nothing new to report really. She's still breathing pretty roughly. I've been crying off and on all day. Kevin says to give it another day to let the Lasix kick back in. I hate seeing her like this tho cuz I remember how she was before. On the plus she isn't hiding anywhere and she's not really loving us anymore than usual, which is a good sign I think. That shows to me that she doesn't feel like she's dying. But whereas I was hopeful before, now I'm pretty much sure that she's not going to survive even thru to my bday, let alone Xmas and that just brings me to tears. I love that silly cat so much! I'm going to miss her. I already miss how she was. Meowing loudly all the time, demanding me to feed her in the early moring hours...she's not sleeping on us anymore which i miss so much and she's barely laying on my lap at night when we watch TV which breaks my heart. I'm probably being so selfish in not just putting her out of her misery right now, but I just can't yet. She's listless but she still purrs and gives me love and is still standoffish at times and meows at me (tho not as loudly) when she wants a treat.... Kevin's going tonight to get her the treats she loves (Pit'r pats) and some food cuz she's almost out.

All I can do is love her and take piccies and pray that I'll know when it's time to put her down so she doesn't suffer too much

I"m so mad at that Vet and at me for listening to that stupid vet *cries* She told us the Lasix wasn't doing anything regarding the fluid in her chest and I let Kevin convince me of it and now she's having such a hard time breathing I'm afraid she's on her last legs again. and we can't remove the fluid from her chest again cuz #1 it's not an option they gave us to do and #2 even if it was it's so expensive we can't afford it after the amount of ## we spent on her in the first place *cries* Kevin's going today to pick up some more Lasix but I'm afraid it may be too late. You can see her chest moving up and down and her trying to get deeper breaths. She isn't jumping up on windows anymore probably cuz it exerts her too much and she can't regain her breath afterwards. She's still eating well (I only give her 1/2 a pill every 36 hours now instead of 1/2 every 12) but she's starting to get listless again and I'm afraid we may only have a shrt while left with her. I'm so upset. I hate that vet and if and when we ever get a kitty again it's never going there

Well, she seems to be doing so much better! We still have to get the powdered Vitamin C to introduce into her diet, but the appetite stimulant has made such a big difference. She has so much more energy now. The other day she actually came upstairs and meowed to wake Kevin up to give her food cuz she was out. They told us to give her 1/2 a pill every 12 hours, but I've been giving her 1/2 a pill once a day...today she ate almost 1/2 a cup of food!!! She was barely going thru 1/2 cup every 2 days before the meds so YAY!

I've been trying to get piccies of her up here but my computer has been driving me crazy the past week or so and not letting me do anything. So I will get pics up soon I promise. Old and new.

Right now she's lying on the floor next to my chair here in the puter room. It really makes me so happy to see her jumping up on window sills and jumping on our laps at night. Shoot last night she took over Kevin's recliner in the living room. She was lying in it pretty much all day and Kevin came home and chased her out of it and when he got up later to go get something to drink she practically ran over to the chair to jump up in it again lol. She's such a brat!

Tomorrow will be 4 weeks since we took her in and she almost died. I know she's never going to be 100% but each day more we have with her I'm grateful for. I love this silly cat so!

We went to the vet today. I was pretty worried cuz she still isn't eating very much. They weighed her and she's lost 2lbs almost exactly in the 3 weeks since we first took her in. She's @ 6.8lbs. I'm sure before this she was close to 10lbs if not a little more. She's so skinny it scares me. Other than that nothing much to report. They gave us a refill on the prednosolone (steroid) but not the lasix cuz the fluid is outside her lungs. That scares me. Kevin doesn't want to give her meds if they aren't doing anything, but i say what if it is helping? So we're going to only go without the lasix for a couple days and see if anything changes. Even that's too long for me, but i couldn't convince Kevin otherwise. He did promose tho if i thought she was getting worse in the slightest we'd go up to refill her neds ASAP. They also gave us an appetite stimulant pill for her. The vet wasn't really very helpful. She pretty much gave us no hope. She did tell us we could give her people food as long as we heat it up and to try babyfood (which JJenn already suggested to me) And she said she could tell there was fluid in her chest still. She tried to listen to her breathing and heartbeat and it was all muffled. :-(

I was crying at the end of the exam. And then Kevin asked how much it would be to put her to sleep if we had to ($40 if we wanted the body...which we do...i will want to bury her in the backyard) which totally destroyed me. I think tho if we can get her to eat she'll be better. She's just lethargic around the house is all. She still comes when we call and follows us around (but not as closely as she did before when she was dying) I try not to think about it but at the same time I'm preparing myself for her passing.

My mom took me to dinner today and when she came over she said she found a great xmas present for all the kitties (we all have one, me, my sis and my bro) and I told her she might not be around @ xmas and she just doesn't understand. She's like "why keep her around if you know she's dying?" and I have to hold my tongue. She still doesn't know how much we spent to save her life (altho some of it was refunded to us cuz they didn't run the tests they were supposed to...a substantial amount actually...it paid for her visit and meds today and left some over for next time) Then she's like "well if she's not around you'll get another kitty right?" and we will....just not right away. We're pretty much set on getting another torty (like Kikyo) They have so much personality they're great!

And now I'm going to try and post some Kikyo piccies (computer willing)....