Connie sent me such a beautiful card today. In it she wrote:
Jazmyn,
I am so sorry you are going through this. I have watched this suffering myself, and I am so thankful that Kikyo had a warm loving home in her final days instead of a cold dumpster. You did the absolute best you could for her. Remember that through your gried. Her suffering was made lighter by having you and Kevin there to pat her, and give her a soft comfy bed, and good food to eat. Short as it was, her life was blessed because she found you.
Thank you Connie. I cried when I read it this morning and I'll probably cry a million more times when i come back to her blog and read it again.
I keep telling myself that. That was gave her love and a home and food when she had nothing. That we may have saved her life in the first place. That we have been living on borrowed time this whole 2 years. And definitely borrowed time this last 5 weeks.
I take solace in my beliefs. The beliefs I didn't even know were full formed in my head until having to deal with this. I want to think that fawN's message about pets greeting me in the afterlife are true, but then I think "how about if she's reincarnated" Even if you don't subscribe to animals coming back as people but as other animals, Someday she may be someone's else's pet. And maybe for longer. Maybe this life was some sort of karmic duty for her. Maybe the short 2 1/2 years she was here she finally learned her lesson and is now ready to move onto the afterlife and come back as a better animal. Maybe in living with us she repaid her karmic debt. (okay maybe I'm not so sure about my beliefs)
Part of me wants her to stick around here and jump on my bed and be a little kitty ghost... but I know that's strictly selfish cuz I want her to move on. To get to that better place. My mama, when she passed, came to me in a dream about a week after she died (on the same night my sister had a dream about her with the same exact message in it) Then I've not heard from her since. I still dream about her occassionally, but nothing like that night. Maybe Kikyo will come visit me in my dreams. Let me know that she knows we did all we could and that she loves us for it.
Last night Kevin said something that is eating away at my soul. He said "what if she remembers that when she was this bad before we took her and got her better. What if she's waiting for us to do it again and we can't" If i think about that my world will shatter. I have to believe that she knows we stole time and that she understands this time she has to leave us. i have to believe that because If I think for a minute she might be hoping we can save her again (and we can't) I'm lost.
I just went downstairs to see if she made it thru the night (she did) and she meowed at me as I was walking down the stairs. I pet her for awhileand talked to her and told her how much I love her. I looked into her eyes and all I saw was pleading. Asking me to end her pain. I know she's a fighter. I know she's trying to hold on for us. It's going to break my heart today when we take her in. But i know she's going to a better place. Whether it be kitty heaven, or waiting to be reincarnated, or people heaven waiting patiently to greet me when I get there, I know she's going to a better place. And I'm going to miss her so much but I have to take solace in that. And hope that she will always know how much we love her.
Jazmyn,
I am so sorry you are going through this. I have watched this suffering myself, and I am so thankful that Kikyo had a warm loving home in her final days instead of a cold dumpster. You did the absolute best you could for her. Remember that through your gried. Her suffering was made lighter by having you and Kevin there to pat her, and give her a soft comfy bed, and good food to eat. Short as it was, her life was blessed because she found you.
Thank you Connie. I cried when I read it this morning and I'll probably cry a million more times when i come back to her blog and read it again.
I keep telling myself that. That was gave her love and a home and food when she had nothing. That we may have saved her life in the first place. That we have been living on borrowed time this whole 2 years. And definitely borrowed time this last 5 weeks.
I take solace in my beliefs. The beliefs I didn't even know were full formed in my head until having to deal with this. I want to think that fawN's message about pets greeting me in the afterlife are true, but then I think "how about if she's reincarnated" Even if you don't subscribe to animals coming back as people but as other animals, Someday she may be someone's else's pet. And maybe for longer. Maybe this life was some sort of karmic duty for her. Maybe the short 2 1/2 years she was here she finally learned her lesson and is now ready to move onto the afterlife and come back as a better animal. Maybe in living with us she repaid her karmic debt. (okay maybe I'm not so sure about my beliefs)
Part of me wants her to stick around here and jump on my bed and be a little kitty ghost... but I know that's strictly selfish cuz I want her to move on. To get to that better place. My mama, when she passed, came to me in a dream about a week after she died (on the same night my sister had a dream about her with the same exact message in it) Then I've not heard from her since. I still dream about her occassionally, but nothing like that night. Maybe Kikyo will come visit me in my dreams. Let me know that she knows we did all we could and that she loves us for it.
Last night Kevin said something that is eating away at my soul. He said "what if she remembers that when she was this bad before we took her and got her better. What if she's waiting for us to do it again and we can't" If i think about that my world will shatter. I have to believe that she knows we stole time and that she understands this time she has to leave us. i have to believe that because If I think for a minute she might be hoping we can save her again (and we can't) I'm lost.
I just went downstairs to see if she made it thru the night (she did) and she meowed at me as I was walking down the stairs. I pet her for awhileand talked to her and told her how much I love her. I looked into her eyes and all I saw was pleading. Asking me to end her pain. I know she's a fighter. I know she's trying to hold on for us. It's going to break my heart today when we take her in. But i know she's going to a better place. Whether it be kitty heaven, or waiting to be reincarnated, or people heaven waiting patiently to greet me when I get there, I know she's going to a better place. And I'm going to miss her so much but I have to take solace in that. And hope that she will always know how much we love her.
posted by Magikjaz at 12:10 PM
1 Comments:
I had a dumpster kitty for a few short months before FELV took her. She hid it well, but one day she cried out in pain and wandered aimlessly around the house. Despite her vet visit in a day or two, I ran her - vet uncalled - in. They tested her, and found her FELV positive and showing symptoms of being full blown. I was so broke when I found her, that we had to move out of the apartment we were in, and moved in with my inlaws. I suppose now if I had the money and had brought her in sooner, then they would have caught it sooner and put her down right away - is as the recommendation with felv positive cats - especially if you already have cats. She was SUCH a trooper. Long haired and living in a dumpster, she was a MESS. She tolerated baths better than any cat I have ever met, and even held still while I combed her and tried to remove matts. Despite the rough start getting her into the house, she was thankful she was there. When the time came, she was so weak, but she stood up and nuzzled my hand as if to tell me that it was ok. I have seen and heard of many pets doing that. They do NOT hold grudges - just watching animal cops on animal planet will show you that. She is not unhappy with you. She loved you. She might have wished you understood sooner, but she was just glad you did understand, and you were there. I am sure she knows that with out you she would have died in a dumpster.
((((((hugs))))))))
So. want to come to maine and adopt one of my fosters? Freya is an absolute LOVE.. ;)
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