Dear Blog,
I'm so torn up inside I can't even control myself. I was in the basement watching TV and when I went upstairs to use the potty Kikyo was on the landing. I stopped and pet her and told her again how much I love her and after about 3 minutes she got this crazy look in her eyes like I was trying to hurt her and she backed away into the corner. I know it was her self defense cuz she's dying and she knows it, so i stopped petting her and backed away, tellin her the whole time I love her. I went back downstairs and was watching TV and after a couple minutes I notice her at the bottom of the staris staring at me. I pause the TV and say "hey precious!" and she gets up and turns and goes underneath the stairs using her secret hole. I know she was waiting for me to see her do it. And this is her final goodbye. That's where she went to die before (only we didn't know she was dying) Apparently she's much worse off than I thought and we shoulda took her to emergency tonight to put her down and ease her suffering. Part of me is hoping she makes it thru the night so we can take her in the AM and part of me is hoping she dies while I'm asleep so she ends her life at home. In the meantime, all of me is crying and wishing I was never put in this position to begin with.

I told Kevin tonight I think we should get a kitty soon. I think maybe it will help with the healing and the missing of the Kikyo. I also think if we think about it too much and wait too long we'll talk ourselves out of it and I don't want to.